2nd January
I don’t mean to turn my life around but sometimes you just have to, don’t you. You have to look at yourself and say Jesus Christ you’re a piece of shit it’s time to get your act together, start achieving some things for once in your goddamn life or else, or else, what? You’re just going to be a person living a nice life enjoying the beauty in the everyday and appreciating what you have like “health” and “friends” and undeniable privilege? Don’t think so.
It has come to my attention that a crucial way I’m lacking is in World Domination, as in, I don’t have any. So, the aim for the year is to have that.
Listen, I’m not deluded, I understand this aim takes work. So, I’ve broken it down into smaller, more manageable aims.
Aim 1: Get Huge Success. Something I can toxically announce on instagram with a long rambling caption along the lines of: “absolutely humbled blah can’t believe it — me!” Do I know what success I want? No. Am I fussy? Not really. Just something that results in a Magazine Profile of the “She’s Here To Change The Game” variety.
Aim 2: Get Bryan Johnston Level Health. While, yes, he is a tech billionaire and I have minus £976.54 in the bank, find innovative ways to reverse the aging process. Unlike Bryan, I have no children from whom I can siphon off blood for my weekly transfusions. Consider stealing blood from minors. Bryan also takes 110 pills a day, see if my zinc tablets are still in date.
Aim 3: Get stunning and, most importantly, thin. Exercise more. Eat legumes. Defy science.
Aim 4: Get positive and exude sunshine out of my face hole and think only happy thoughts despite the hell fire around us. I think being thin and successful will automatically mean this, so I probably won’t have to work too hard on this one.
3rd January
I start listening to The Diary of a CEO podcast because, even though I’m not a CEO, it’s only logical that replicating how the CEOs eat, sleep, shit is advantageous for my journey into a successful Q1 and beyond.
Habits of The Successful include: Not sitting in one place for four hours straight; getting up at 6am every day; not drinking. Interesting. This is obviously a massive overhaul from getting up whenever I can drag my saggy carcass out of the cocoon to sit in a chair for ten hours before finishing the day off with a bottle of Sainsbury’s finest, but if I want to be a CEO (wait, do I? Sure, why not) I better start acting like it.
I shall give up alcohol, get up at 6am and stand up out of my chair every 3 hours 59 minutes.
4th January
A privilege to share with you that not drinking has given me such clarity.
5th January
An honour to tell you the zinc’s working.
6th January
Absolutely humbled to announce I did yoga at dawn today. Perhaps this is just ‘me’ now.
7th january
Incredibly tired and the legumes are ravaging my insides.
8th January
The only thing worse than standing up every 3 hours 59 minutes is the realisation that you need to set a reminder on your phone to do that.
10th January
My lentil diet means I no longer need a ‘stand up on your legs’ reminder as I’m up every 15 minutes fearing I might shit myself. I guess this is what a symbiotic relationship means.
13th January
I’m off to Paris today. Booked this romantic getaway back in November, back when I wasn’t a CEO, just a normal person going about a normal life believing that was fine and not even punishing myself about it – idiot!
Going as my CEO-self threatens to push away the man I have finally ensnared in a relationship. Everyone knows you go to Paris to drink wine, eat cheese and sit in chairs. I take a short intermission from world domination plan.
15th January
Downing vats of red wine and boeuf bourguignon for three days whiplashes my insides. So many coiled up feelings waiting for a sweet lubricant to unleash. And they do.
Romantic Trip for Two turns into Frantic Trip for One Giant Baby. So much to cry about in fancy French establishments when you’re drunk and under so much pressure as an undercover CEO.
28th January
A long month of lentil-loading, mainlining out of date zinc, sleeping until 6ish/8.30, doing dawn yoga (once), staying sober (apart from 72 hour red wine beef sauce binge) and guess what: I’m no thinner, happier, younger or more successful. Unsure if these CEO habits are right for my body type?
30th January
Find out Dakota Johnson sleeps 14 hours a night. This is very interesting to me.
Dear God, anything but the legumes!!! Seriously - whoever lobbies for Big Lentil should be next on the CEO podcast they're doing such a fine job.