15th May
I am haunted by A Feral Desire. A Feral Desire to Blog. The problem is I am no longer in Medellin but London, which means four things: I am not having any sex; I am constantly worried about I’m not sure what; I am forced to work for money; I’m making some form of branded content at all times.
Surely yarns can’t be spun from this alone? Wrong! The heart wants what it wants, and the blog blogs what it blogs so, I shall blog about these experiences and more. Welcome back to the blog. RECAP! PREVIOUSLY ON ME:
I was in Medellin until March where I had a love affair with a Colombian DJ who was pretty lukewarm on the whole thing. We met in a bar where he was DJing (yes im cool) i gave my number to him over the decks (yes cool) and then i attempted to enforce the plot of Eat Pray Love on him.
We’re still in touch of course as I find it hard to let anything go but the comms are very emoji-&-sticker-based, upon which i’m not sure you can sustain a meaningful relationship? but by god i’ll try.
The reason I’m messaging the DJ a Funny Dog in Sunglasses sticker anytime I feel lonely is that, if I didn’t, I’d have to engage with dating life here. And ew. Does that mean doing the apps? IS APP ALL THERE iiiiiS?
I could try recreate the Colombian DJ meet cute in London but chances of me having any sort of interaction with a performing DJ here without being physically restrained is unlikely and if I did manage to drink myself strong enough to overpower security – the alcohol/struggle would surely impede any ability to say anything cute or seductive. then again, say i managed all that and this cool London DJ wasn’t put off by my aniseed breath and the torment in my eyes and actually wanted to date me, we know how this plays out: By date one I’ll get too nervous that he’s a man and minimise myself (like i always do sigh) and ask him a zillion questions about his family tree and then complain afterwards he only talked about his family tree so no okay i just don’t think this is going to work out
25th May
I have entered, for the very first time, the App life. I have downloaded Bumble. It is designed so it’s like we are bees in bee society and that is very empowering for females actually. We are the queens of the hives and all the men are our little bitches who have to receive our app-based approval before they speak.
i do honestly feel like, for the first time in my life, I am ready — like I can get on a dating app and not have it totally take over and destroy my life.
26th May
I keep getting notifications that people like me, but their pics are blurry and trapped behind a paywall. What is this. nectar with a surcharge.
I cave. Paid the money to see who my admirers are – that’s just clever beesiness strategy.
Largely underwhelmed by my admirers. Although one attractive man who is rowing a boat in main pic likes me. Feel rush of validation. we start a chat.
Early on BoatMan sends me a picture of his arm that has been scratched by his cat. I find this way too much and am frankly terrified then remember my therapist and I are worried about my intimacy issues so I persevere with the conversation.
Okay he’s sent me a picture of the offending cat and it’s cute but it’s sitting in front of net curtains. I end chat with the serial killer.
27th May
Deeply confused. Getting all these likes. And then i message them and… nothing.
overthinking every single way I have started a conversation – did my conversation starters make me physically repulsive? Did it make the men PHYSICALLY SICK?
I thought just saying ‘hi’ was lazy so I would say something personal to their profile. But i tell ya, not receiving a reply to ‘hi you have a lot of hair on your head’ is one of the most humiliating things a gal can go through.
28th May
Have received an intervention from a friend through form of a drunk voicenote. She is eating a large kebab while forcefully dispensing wisdom so it’s a bit hard to make out but the main message is – i need to not care as I am not special on the app (devastating) and men’s strategy on Bumble is to like ALL women.( Like a literal fishing trawler.) And only when you message them they look at your profile and decide. so sort of sounds like the men have disregarded the whole point of bee society.
Anyway she ends with ‘the rejection. is. not. personal.’ It all feels deeply personal. I’m kelp.
29th May
I have managed to get some dates. Am not mutant woman destined to rot in bee-structured society!
One guy seems fun – uses too many emojis but we cannot have it all. Another is so chatty I’ve already had to put several boundaries in place so he stops speaking to me on the app which I’m not sure is a fantastic sign but with the Colombian whirlwind romance surviving by a thread of dog stickers, I’m intrigued by this oversharer.
heck June is very much upon us. Who knows what’s round the corner.
She’s baaaaacccckkkk! My heart is happy. ‘I attempted to enforce the plot of Eat Pray Love on him’ 🤣🤣🤣
Absolutely dying with far too much recognition. Good luck - the apps are a war zone 😂✨