Jealous much? Yes.

16th July 

It is Sunday evening and I have two and a half hours left of the day to turn my entire life around. Seems feasible. 

Why do I need to do this? Because I am a Total Failure Failing at Everything, Obviously.  

I can’t even be the Best or win a Prize or have an Obscene Talent or even make a living out of doing Nice Instagram Posts. 

I can’t even get famous or lauded as a child prodigy. I’m not even a prodigy. Or a child! I suck!!!!!!!!

Reasons for current meltdown: Spent too much time on Instagram. 

Hard to get the right balance there. My recent new hair colour needs to be seen and validated by the masses yet I forgot about all the other people on there who also want to be seen and validated and have much more impressive things to showcase than A Slightly Nicer Hair Shade. 

My thread continually serves me people with book deals, people doing collabs, people who are now listed on some sort of list.

Oh please can I be on the list? Could I just have some of that stuff peeerrrrleeeeeease? I really want it. And surely I would deserve it if I just got around to doing some stuff. If only I had the time (The Taaaaaiiiime) to be a genius and incredible.

It’s so hard for me because a) I have no time b) it is summer c) I am drinking wine so much. 

I am simply torn. The lusts and fruits of summer pulling me one way and my totally delusional entitlement, t’other.  

What am I supposed to do? Organise my diary better? Try not being drunk all the time? Come back to me with some strategies I can actually action. 

20th July 

Last night was old work friend Lucy Mahon’s art show. She left the place I work to pursue a career as an artist after straddling the two professions for many years. She did all the legwork and has all the obscene talent and now, she has reached the holy grail where she makes a living from her art. (Look at it.)

I messaged her a while back to tell her I find her life triggering. 

It was a joke of course. A hilarious joke. 

Also it was my way of dealing with all this icky jealousy.  If I can be open about it with her perhaps it’s not such a bad feeling to feel? Besides, isn't it nice when people want your life? I imagine so. 

gosh. Why is my jealousy spiking so much of late? Maybe the universe is speaking to me personally, maybe this is a sign that it is time for me to pursue my dreams. 

A group of us from work go to her show and I drink all the free natural wine on offer. I usually hate natural wine because I adore pesticides, but the free-aspect of this wine makes it quite delicious and soon I am five glasses down and drunk again. 

It becomes apparent everyone who’s joined me from work is also triggered by her life. This triggers me more: Hang on. So I’m not special either. The universe isn’t even speaking to me personally.

I gallop into the night in search of more wine. You see, the thing about free wine is it gives you a taste for all wine, and makes paying any amount for it totally fine. 

I entice my friend to a pub, glug pesticides and chainsmoke her Vogues on the curb. 

Perhaps I’m teetering on the verge of being an insufferable friend as I launch into a monologue about how I long for Taaaiiiime and how it is so hard. Summer is so hard for me. She concurs out of kindness. 

25th July 

I’m off to Slovenia today. For work. Sounds glam. And, yeah, alright, it is. As I can expense the airport loot, I buy five ginger shots and five green juices at Pret. It comes to about £144. 

Pick up a book, the one that’s getting a real burrrzzzz on Instagram. It’s on those lists. All I know is it’s called Yellowface. 

Within a few pages, I am floored. It is, wow okay yeah it’s…. Really good. It’s about… Jealousy. From the point of view of a… bitter jealous writer. 

I see. 

Soon I’m not reading the book but deep diving the author’s biography on the internet. 

I see.
This 27 year old child prodigy has written a book about jealousy from the point of view of a bitter jealous writer and that was surely My Idea if I’d just had the CHANCE to THINK about it for ONE second and could be 27 again and didn’t have to drink wine so much. It’s so hard for me.