Current mood: A Lot.
4th February
You know you’re nearing Medellin because the smell changes. Hot tarmac. Petrol. Dust. It’s a smell that shouldn’t smell so good but does. Air breezing through the bus window tells me it’s just rained, thunder rumbles threatening more.
lush, verdant landscape is gradually broken up by apartment blocks, sprouting up just as the trees do. And then traffic. At every traffic light an acrobat or magician will appear and entertain the cars in hope of payment. There’s a particular guy in Poblado near my Spanish school who spins out of a tree on aerial silks as soon as the lights go red and lands millimetres from the car bonnets. I’ve never not yelped. At this traffic light there’s some fire breathers. Which is a mental idea if you think about it.
Current mood: hate the DJ for not caring enough about the dog story. or perhaps it’s more he didn’t tell me I’m a Compassionate Hero he admires greatly when I told him the dog story. How hard is it to find a guy to worship the ground you walk on?
6th February
Forgave the DJ because when I brought it up it was clear I was not going to make him care. And besides, he was wearing another great hat.
Look at me stating my needs&desires – passive aggressive woman no longer? A while back I raised the ‘you’ve never asked me a question’ thing. I Am Certainly A Woman With Needs!
Other than being genuinely surprised by the information he’s done nothing with it. I’ve not pushed further. Well, you can’t change anything all at once. Plus, then he starts talking about growing up in Bogota in the 80s and I wonder what it is exactly I want to tell him about my sad little life?
so UP for going out last night, I consumed five coffees and by 9pm had such strong heart palpitations I thought I was going to die. Thing is I knew if I stayed in I’d probably think my way into death so forced myself out and what do you know – I didn’t die.
9th February
Both want to run away live a life free from the pressures of London, Instagram, Capitalism! and achieve something notable admired by the people of London Instagram Capitalism.
11th February
A week of lamenting self, of shame spirals. The desire to have fun & have fun things happen to me vs the desire to be productive & make things happen. I’m in a space where both feel wrong.
Oh you’re spending all your time inside writing? What a complete waste of your life.
Oh you’re going out drinking and having fun? What a complete waste of your life.
Shame. I can’t avoid it even when I’ve specifically cut out time to do whatever I want. The problem is I didn’t really take the time to do whatever I want. I took this time to optimise myself. And so, it’s under this lens I assess everything: Am I experiencing enough? Am I producing enough? Am I enjoying enough?
Am overwhelmed by life’s shoulds. should be higher up in my job by now. should have success under belt. should be engaged. should know whether I want a baby so I can work out how the hell I’ll have a baby (entrapment probably). should have a more up-to-date Linked-in profile.
I came here to escape the pressure. this week it’s all I feel. Wanting several different completely incompatible lives at the same time. scared because I want too much. embarrassed because (I don’t know if you know) there are a tonne of Actual Very Real Problems that make ‘wanting’ a luxury you need to shut up about.
12th February
Went out. main memory is cornering a random man and lecturing him on how hard it is to be a woman in your 30s. Wine is a beefy juice.
14th February
The DJ made me some food and let me be a miserable old soul. He said: you can’t be happy all the time. spent the day in comfortable silence. was the kind of soothing existence I needed.
Realised he eats Instacrem raw. Instacrem is a dried cream substance you dissolve in your coffee. I eat Options Hot Chocolate raw. Perhaps we’re meant to be and at our wedding we’ll serve pouches of dried soluble dust.
16th February
More sleep (turns out I need about 18 hours a night). More self-compassion.
This need to know immediately! how my life is going to be, putting deadlines on when I should have answers, this desire to “work life out” – it’s all fading, after wreaking havoc on my brain.
working life out entirely would surely ruin it. Am asking kinder, simpler questions – have I connected with my creativity? have I had fun? have I tried? None of this “enough” business. Am understanding this trip to be, like anything – whether a stressful project at work or a failed date – a building block, a seed, a step towards knowing more about yourself.
On a nicer note: A hideous spot on my leg has gone down. for god’s sake there’s another woman writing in a notebook on the table next to me. Bitch move we can’t both be doing this it’s embarrassing.
wonder if she’s also writing about a spot on her leg?
I want to say to her: look at us, aren’t we dicks. Isn’t it great.